Happy New Year Again! HOW TO REVIVE YOUR 2015 SOCIAL GOALS

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow said "Give what you have to someone else. It may be better than you dare to think."
I am restarting my blog with that quote in mind- to pass on the psychological tools I acquired thru 10 years of training- on how to  shrink shyness, social anxiety and phobias that eliminate any pleasure in social situations. Weak social ties are better than none. Something is better than nothing. 
Let's start again with you observing yourself as a scientist would; in observation of your thoughts, behaviors, body language, talking-- not as a critical, condemning judge- but someone collecting data about you.
For example- how interesting- I see when she walked into that room she looked very aloof and made no eye contact.  She was thinking -I hate being here- what's the use? I am bored to death. She didn't talk to anyone- didn't say hello- goodbye- just walked out. Her heartrate was up, her hands were cold.
For example- he was thinking- that class description kind of intrigues me- but then I'd have to talk to people and there is nothing to talk about in my boring life. He sets the information aside and takes a drink. 
You're a scientist collecting information about the subject:  you.
 

ANXIETY ABOUT AN EMBARRASSING QUESTION?

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            How much money do you make?  How old are you?  Why are you here alone? How come you’re still single?   Why are you so tall? Short? Thin? Fat?  Why don't you have a job?

How come you have pimples? Why are you divorced? How come you’re still living at home?

            When we meet new people, we generally stay at what is called a breadth of self-disclosure rather than a depth of self-disclosure. We don’t tell people we don’t trust our deep, dark secrets.  People can ask whatever they want to- but it is your right to grant or not grant that information.  What will grant you social comfort is knowing ahead of time that a question will not force you to a level of self-disclosure that the relationship doesn’t merit.

            First, be prepared.  Have a response memorized in those areas that you feel

 vulnerable.  Memorize it and practice it, because when it occurs in real-time, your adrenaline spikes, and that impairs your memory.

            So, for example- “Why did you guys break up?”  Answer: Who understands the complexity of human relationships?,”  versus “He/she was emotionally abusive”.

“Why are you so thin?” “Well some people are inclined to put on weight, I’m just the opposite”, versus, “I have an eating disorder.”

          Homework:  Practice some responses. In the next blog you will learn about the structure of small talk so you can throw a question back and get the spotlight off yourself. This will allow you to take a deep breath, and restore your thinking.

           

           

           

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2014!

January 2014

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There is a hopeful feeling in beginning afresh, and a new year allows that opportunity. So, Happy New Year, take a deep breath, close your eyes, and envision- with idealistic vision- the dream of where you would like to be a year from now. Abandon critiquing whether it’s realistic at this point- go with joy and optimism! What’s the fantasy?  What is my ideal life?

For example, a  year from now, I will have a wonderful job; I will have a friend to walk with, go to lunch with, share deep feelings with;  I am dating once a month, I go to an exercise class, I belong to a job hunting group, I am taking classes, I have a social support network of 20 people! I will go out on a date once a month. I will walk one mile a day and say hello or wave to everyone I meet along the way.

 
I will be struggling along with you with my own fear-ridden goals; mine relate to potential conflict and hostility. I can guarantee if you follow along as a fellow or sister scientist, that a year from now, you will have reached some of your goals.  I promise you!   We will brainstorm together where you are stuck. 

I taught for 10 years in the first education model in psychiatry in the United States. It was based on the premise that people are not trapped by their genes, their personality traits, the way things have always been. People can change how they think, how they behave, how they feel, how they communicate—if they are educated in the proven scientific methods that make it possible.

So--- HAPPY NEW YEAR AND LET’S DREAM ABOUT OUR WONDERFUL YEAR!

INTROVERTS AND EXTROVERTS

4-29-2012

The new book QUIET; The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain may be a welcomed book by many of the working introverts. It honors the tendency toward solitary activity, quiet reflection and reserve, not as a  "second-class Personality trait, somewhere between a disappointment and a pathology," Cain writes, as reported by Judith Warner, The New York Times Book Review, Sunday Feb.12, 2012. I'm glad that this will help some people, who perceive themselves as introverts, to honor the many qualities they bring to relationships and work. 
I don't think extrovert-ism and introvert-ism are mutually exclusive.What I hope in my work is to give people the freedom to be either.- sometimes extroverted, sometimes introverted.  Neither trait is enjoyable if you're there by default.  Although I mostly work on helping the involuntarily introverted, I have also had clients who were involuntarily extroverted.  It is rarely recognized as shyness. We usually think of shyness as an involuntary quietness. I remember students asking, "What's he doing in the class?  He talks all the time!" 

My interest is in either trait where one is there by default. I believe most people in our culture are introverts because of shyness; our culture supports my view. We are quite competitive, achievement oriented- , which doesn't encourage risk-taking by the cautious. If we perceive others as the enemy, our competitors for self- value, verbal risk-taking can become an assault to one's one's self-esteem.
I have an interest in getting the more quiet of us to speak out more!  Otherwise we have our decisions made by those who have been trained to be more aggressive - either by trait or environment. That's a poor balance of decision making in my opinion.

"Power of Shyness", Time Magazine 2/6/2012

In a front page article on shyness, author Bryan Walsh describes the difference between introverts and extroverts, and the unrecognized value of introverts in the workplace and as corporate leaders.

You may find this article gives you some valuable insight into yourself.

My assertion is that an introvert can learn to enjoy more social gatherings. There's nothing wrong with the desire for solitude, to enjoy solitary activities. But I think it's even more enjoyable when it's not a default choice. If it's so uncomfortable and punishing to be around people, and such a relief to be alone, one defaults toward solitude. Why go through all that punishment for such little reward?

Learning the skills- and I had to develop a map when I was teaching classes on shyness because I wasn't any better than anyone else- reduced anxiety and self-consciousness. As we tried the "maps", we learned there were underlying structures, so it didn't seem like everyone else knew the rules of the road except us. There were social frameworks that helped one relax and have a little fun among the human species.

That made solitude even more enjoyable because one had a choice to be alone, not an anxiety decision, because of the stress in going to social gatherings.

The King's Speech

The Australian "speech defect" therapist, Lionel Logue, who developed a friendship with the stuttering King George VI used methodologies extremely useful for shyness and social nervousness applicable in today's world.

Notice how he practiced breathing deeply? Taking a deep breath is important for shyness. It wasn't the only strategy used, but you will eventually be helped by this relaxation exercise. It will not relax you in the beginning, but it will work as a cue to kick in other useful techniques. Also, the more nervous you are, the more likely you're taking shallow, panting breaths.

Did you see how the King's speech was written out? As a shyness coach, I observe that because of the conditional value of perfectionism - (I only have value if I am perfect)- clients won't use notes when giving a speech because they believe they should be able to ad lib. That's an unfair expectation.

An encouraging note: although King George's speech impediment could be traced to poor child-rearing practices tantamount to abuse, I rarely find this with clients who are shy. More on this with the next post.

Happy New Year!

It's fun to have a fresh start and begin again, isn't it. Ask me any questions you'd like- I taught classes in personal development at the University of Washington in the Dept. of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences- and I love brainstorming with you. I taught Overcoming Shyness and Social Skills classes, Assertiveness Training, Conflict Resolution, Understanding Human Territorial Behavior, Stress Management and Relaxation Training, and many other courses.

I am particularly interested in lonliness and social isolation because of their health consequences; we're social beings with social brains, and we don't do well health-wise when we are alone too much. There's a difference between voluntary "I want some time alone" and being alone by default, which means it's too much pressure and stress to be with people. The health effect associated with isolation is statistically large and dramatic. Individuals "with the highest baseline scores for loneliness were also the ones most likely to be admitted to a nursing home" in later life.(Loneliness; Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection, by John T. Cacioppo & William Patrick)

Good for you for starting to think about this! If I can go out and socialize wearing an industrial respirator (I have acute allergies to perfumes, etc.), I can help you get started. I have been socially phobic in my past; I'm not anymore, and I'd rather have acute allergies than to suffer the anguish of social terror--if that gives you some idea of hard it is to live with the handicap of severe shyness. And- it is not permanent. Ask me any questions you'd like. Happy 2011!