COVID19 and Loneliness 2021

Happy New Year to all of you!  You can build relationships; how you are now does NOT mean it's permanent. Perhaps being out of the workplace  made you see that your friendships were only from the office.  Maybe you never had to initiate anything because you were passively included in social outings. 

Becoming aware  is part of problem-solving. What would you like your life to be like at the end of 2021? This is the time to dream without limitations. It's a new year, a new beginning and think about where you would like to be at the end of 2021. I'll help you get there. Ask me any question or share a problem. Warm wishes to all of you!    

HOW DO I FORM A SOCIAL COMMUNITY?

When you move to a new place, end a relationship, change jobs, graduate from school, quit drinking, quit drugs, you lose those reference groups you belonged to before this change. It's an active process to acquire friends; it requires a blend of affiliative skills and competitive skills. For example, when you select a new place to go- whether it's for a cup of coffee, or exercise, or a social club, you need to know the facial muscles and body language  that give you the look of a friendly person. You're not going to war, you're exploring where to meet people. That's when you need to look affiliative- or friendly- and the body language that goes with being perceived as friendly. But you won't give the look of friendliness, if you don't have accompanying competitive skills. You have to know that you can say "no" if you need to, you need to be prepared for questions you'd rather not share information, and how to do it in a gracious way, you need to know how to do a leaving ceremony so you don't get trapped. You need to know how to initiate- and with that comes the ability to take a "no" and not equate it with rejection. It's a blend of affiliative skills, and the competitive skills which involve asserting or defense skills, and aggressing skills- which are the skills involved in initiating, or moving into new territories, or offense skills. Even the ability to identify what kind of a social situation you're in- whether it be affiliative, defense, offense  (and it can change while you're in the middle of it)- will give you a feeling of control- and that knowledge will reduce your anxiety.   
(Feel free to ask me any questions)

SOCIAL MEDIA AND THE ILLUSION OF HAVING FRIENDS

An excellent program aired on Dr. Oz in September, 2016 that explored the many contacts we have during the day with texting, Facebook, emails, etc. We feel that we are connected, but it does not correlate with reduced loneliness. That's the surprise- the constant social media interactions gives the illusion of being connected- we see the external signs- but our feeling component indicates that we are lonely.  It doesn't jive with what we perceive as having lots of friends thru social media. But trust the feeling component, and since we are social beings, loneliness impacts our health. So, when you think- I don't have the time-even a small conversation on the phone is a step to better health. I think that for people who have no friends, social media is a good first step in reaching out, connecting on common causes, expressing a like, elaboration on what someone says- these are all great first steps if you're isolated. Take it to the next step- get together at a meeting, a lunch, a cup of coffee. It's hard in the beginning, but I'll show you how to reward yourself for taking these health-giving steps.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-mehmet-oz/the-new-loneliness_b_11966516.html

SOCIAL ISOLATION AND YOUR HEALTH

 I'm thrilled to see the growing body of research linking social health with good physical health, and I will work with you on how to garner friendships. It's a process that can be learned. You don't have to be naturally social- you can acquire social skills and enjoy the process. It doesn't have to be torture!  

 http://uncnews.unc.edu/2016/01/04/social-networks-as-important-as-exercise-and-diet-across-the-span-of-our-lives/
University of North Carolina--Chapel Hill researchers show how social relationships reduce health risk in each stage of life.

"Specifically, the team found that the sheer size of a person’s social network was important for health in early and late adulthood. In adolescence, that is, social isolation increased risk of inflammation by the same amount as physical inactivity while social integration protected against abdominal obesity. In old age, social isolation was actually more harmful to health than diabetes on developing and controlling hypertension." 

Why am I so angry?

As mentioned in my last post, irritation is the logical emotional signal that alerts you to the fact that you have some sort of conflict-either with yourself. or someone else. But as I advanced in my training, I realized that although the feeling of irritation is useful as a cue to alert you to conflict, many of us didn't recognize that signal. If you have been trained that you shouldn't get angry- that's not nice- you may experience guilt as a signal of conflict. If you are fight-phobic, you will have a signal of fear. If you have been trained to be unemotional you may recognize no signal at all.

Interestingly, NOT being assertive can lead to the most destructive behaviors of all. It is the hostile person who does destructive things- not the assertive person. So- if you've been taught that you should be nice, and nice people aren't assertive, you'll land up with repressed anger-- and that's where the most destructive behaviors happen.

It's the unassertive, hostile person who lands up seething with resentment, and those infringements pile up and can have a cumulative effect. Gossiping, wishing evil upon that person, ruminating- all are cues of unassertive behavior. Sometimes one then over-reacts. Just the smallest thing can "break the camel's back" - the last straw-and one responds way out of proportion to that single incident. And with that over-reaction then comes guilt- what is wrong with me! And, of course, the other person thinks,what an aggressive crazy person!

ANGER

Another shooting. Is uncontrollable rage always a mental illness issue?

When I was going thru my training I retook again and again Conflict Resolution and Assertiveness/Aggressiveness classes. They were certainly some of my biggest problems. I had defined myself as an "easy-going" person. But the more I grasped the content of these alien courses, I realized I never saw myself being assertive or expressing anger- so I assumed that meant I was good-natured. Not true- all my anger was suppressed which led in my case to depression.
Not many are as lucky as myself to get this training, where I had to learn to recognize my body's signals that I had a conflict that needed attention. I retook those classes so many times, I eventually started co-teaching them. That's how I started. So I passed on my training to as many attendees as possible. As one of the men said, who was attending my class because he was sent by the courts, "Why didn't someone ever teach me about this?"

Although the logical signal that you have a conflict- that someone is doing something that annoys you - is the feeling of slight irritation to extreme anger - I personally felt guilt, (I shouldn't get angry- that's not nice) or fear (I was fearful of someone not approving of me or the potential negative reaction of the other person).  Some of the men in the class got no emotional signals at all- if you have been trained to be unemotional- the manly man- you lose the ability to recognize any signal. Sometimes their signals were physical- stomach problems- or behavioral- drinking- drugging. More about this with my next post...............

Long Walk to Freedom

I just started reading a book entitled Long Walk to Freedom by Nelson Mandela, it's an older book, copyright 1994, with updated 2013 foreward by Bill Clinton. Nelson Mandela was imprisoned for 27 years.  Bill Clinton asks him to describe his long walk from prison to president. He said, "When you're young and strong, you can stay alive on your hatred.  And I did, for many years." Then one day after years of imprisonment, physical and emotional abuse, and separation from his family, Mandela said, "I realized that they could take everything from me except my mind and my heart. They could not take those things. Those things I still had control over.  And I decided not to give them away."

That title encapsulates your journey out of social anxiety and phobias. I hope to provide you with social maps to help you understand social interactions so you'll know what kind of situation you're dealing with. Do you need affiliatve skills or competitive skills; are you hogtied by excessive approval orientation, perfectionism, fearful of the potential negative reaction of the other person.

It's imprisonment- of a different kind. Shyness is imprisonment of self- my goal with these blogs is to to liberate you to enjoy life, people, and the many charms and abilities you inherently possess.

We also need to hear your voice. If the world's values are defined by those who babble the loudest- we are missing the thoughtful, measured responses of the socially reticent- who have great ideas and insights that can benefit our little planet.