The King's Speech

The Australian "speech defect" therapist, Lionel Logue, who developed a friendship with the stuttering King George VI used methodologies extremely useful for shyness and social nervousness applicable in today's world.

Notice how he practiced breathing deeply? Taking a deep breath is important for shyness. It wasn't the only strategy used, but you will eventually be helped by this relaxation exercise. It will not relax you in the beginning, but it will work as a cue to kick in other useful techniques. Also, the more nervous you are, the more likely you're taking shallow, panting breaths.

Did you see how the King's speech was written out? As a shyness coach, I observe that because of the conditional value of perfectionism - (I only have value if I am perfect)- clients won't use notes when giving a speech because they believe they should be able to ad lib. That's an unfair expectation.

An encouraging note: although King George's speech impediment could be traced to poor child-rearing practices tantamount to abuse, I rarely find this with clients who are shy. More on this with the next post.

Happy New Year!

It's fun to have a fresh start and begin again, isn't it. Ask me any questions you'd like- I taught classes in personal development at the University of Washington in the Dept. of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences- and I love brainstorming with you. I taught Overcoming Shyness and Social Skills classes, Assertiveness Training, Conflict Resolution, Understanding Human Territorial Behavior, Stress Management and Relaxation Training, and many other courses.

I am particularly interested in lonliness and social isolation because of their health consequences; we're social beings with social brains, and we don't do well health-wise when we are alone too much. There's a difference between voluntary "I want some time alone" and being alone by default, which means it's too much pressure and stress to be with people. The health effect associated with isolation is statistically large and dramatic. Individuals "with the highest baseline scores for loneliness were also the ones most likely to be admitted to a nursing home" in later life.(Loneliness; Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection, by John T. Cacioppo & William Patrick)

Good for you for starting to think about this! If I can go out and socialize wearing an industrial respirator (I have acute allergies to perfumes, etc.), I can help you get started. I have been socially phobic in my past; I'm not anymore, and I'd rather have acute allergies than to suffer the anguish of social terror--if that gives you some idea of hard it is to live with the handicap of severe shyness. And- it is not permanent. Ask me any questions you'd like. Happy 2011!

I am a college student who will be attending a new course in a few weeks.

The thing is, we're gonna have this compulsory thing called "orientation week" which will consist of nightly themed dinner parties, and other socially-oriented "fun and games" sessions.

I am scared to death about this, because I simply... cannot mingle, cannot interact with others, especially in these supposedly "fun, light-hearted" situations. Past social experience has shown me to always be that quiet, lone guy who ends up observing people all mingling together, laughing, conversing, dancing, etc.

Frankly, it all seems so wondrous to me how people can "get on" so well with others.... "mingle" so smoothly.

This probably has to do with me having no social skills at all rather than "social anxiety" per se but please someone help me!

Hello- great question! Before I left the city because of a health problem I taught University courses on Shyness and Affiliation Training, so here are a few ideas I hope will be helpful.
You're not going to war. This is an event with the goal of getting acquainted. When you're frightened, the tendency is to try to look in control, a sort of business body language.But this scares others, and if they can't relax either, your ability to talk to them will be even more difficult.
You instead want to try a mnemonic device called SOFTEN.

1. S -Smile. Practice this in front of a mirror, so you memorize the muscle position for the look of friendliness.
2. O- Open body language. If you were a military person standing at attention you can imagine how that would not work in a situation that is focusing on helping students get acquainted. Instead, put your weight on one foot, angle yourself a bit, put one hand in a pocket, to soften your appearance.
3. F Forward lean. Sometimes when we're anxious we pull ourselves back ward. Just lean forward a little bit.
4. E Eye Contact. Look at them - if it's too hard to look in the eyes- just look at the eye lids- glance down once in a while at your prop. Your beverage. It gives you chance to rest your eyes. Think the thought- "this is just for practice. I'll get better as I go along.
5. N Nod. Nodding just says I'm listening- I'm agreeable.
   

Be ready for those beginning questions that people always ask- your name, where you're from, what classes you're taking -in other words your relationship to this particular event. It's a great way to practice starting a conversation, "Hi- I'm John, I'm a first year student here. Almost any social function starts with your relationship to this particular setting. "Hi- I'm a friend of Mary's she and I work together." , etc. etc.

Good luck! Joan

"I'm always feeling scared in a room full of people; when will I feel normal?"

"I went to school for years and every day I was scared. I never got better.
I'm doing things now: I even have the audacity to go to an Opera next weekend. But I'm always scared. When will I feel normal? Like... dare I say...enjoy the place and be... happy and relaxed? Never?" Signed Nervous

Dear Nervous:

You are making progress! In the beginning there are a variety of things to do to keep you attempting. In the beginning there is so much output of energy, the punishment is so high, there is very little reward. You must always honor the attempt. Even if you pulled up to the parking lot and pulled away w/out going in.

You honor what you did- " good for me - I found the place this time"- I remembered my name! I stayed for 5 minutes. You do not honor success, you honor the risk you took. Your affect or mood will not change here, but you've got to go thru these steps that will accompish a feeling change.
No one should have to suffer like this--being so fearful of one's own species--what a miserable condition! I know it can be overcome and this blog will help you become much less anxious and on the road to being relaxed and joyful.