COVID and Politics equals loneliness and social isolation

 What a miserable combination!  An epidemic that isolated the globe, and political differences that split up the few people we have in our lives. Where do we begin again? 

I think with the few people in our lives, regarding political differences,  it's time to say, "Let's agree to disagree and let it go." How would you word it? 

Meanwhile, GET OUT of the house. Put your mask on, and go for a public walk in a park, to the grocery store, practice eye-contact (that's all they can see). Try it at home- look in a mirror, put your mask on, and try smiling with your eyes. Medical workers have been doing this for years, to put patients at ease, because they have always been masked. Nod and say "Hi".  

Pat yourself on the back for trying. It's very hard if you're depressed to get moving.  Say,  "Good for me!  I went for a walk for 10 minutes instead of staying at home. I said 'hi' to one person!" Say it out loud, because it helps to imprint it on the brain. 

Tell me about yourself!

Open-ended questions don't work for people who experience social anxiety. We don't have instant recall of our own personal history.  So- when someone says, "Tell me something about yourself,,,,", a blank slate appears. "Well, I was born, I grew up and here I am..", doesn't help your conversation advance. Also we're inclined to view anything we might say as dull and boring. 

Practice starting with an overview, for example "Well, before COVID I worked at such and such a place, I moved here from ......., and right now I'm learning how to play..... ".  Saying something specific gives them a chance to comment on that specific that you wouldn't mind talking about. It triggers their memory. It's kind of like fishing-you throw out some bait- maybe they'll bite, maybe they won't." But how can they know if you don't throw it out there for a potential bite. And you've deposited it where you wouldn't mind if they said, "Gee, I like raising worms, too!"  You never know!

COVID19 and Loneliness 2021

Happy New Year to all of you!  You can build relationships; how you are now does NOT mean it's permanent. Perhaps being out of the workplace  made you see that your friendships were only from the office.  Maybe you never had to initiate anything because you were passively included in social outings. 

Becoming aware  is part of problem-solving. What would you like your life to be like at the end of 2021? This is the time to dream without limitations. It's a new year, a new beginning and think about where you would like to be at the end of 2021. I'll help you get there. Ask me any question or share a problem. Warm wishes to all of you!    

HOW DO I FORM A SOCIAL COMMUNITY?

When you move to a new place, end a relationship, change jobs, graduate from school, quit drinking, quit drugs, you lose those reference groups you belonged to before this change. It's an active process to acquire friends; it requires a blend of affiliative skills and competitive skills. For example, when you select a new place to go- whether it's for a cup of coffee, or exercise, or a social club, you need to know the facial muscles and body language  that give you the look of a friendly person. You're not going to war, you're exploring where to meet people. That's when you need to look affiliative- or friendly- and the body language that goes with being perceived as friendly. But you won't give the look of friendliness, if you don't have accompanying competitive skills. You have to know that you can say "no" if you need to, you need to be prepared for questions you'd rather not share information, and how to do it in a gracious way, you need to know how to do a leaving ceremony so you don't get trapped. You need to know how to initiate- and with that comes the ability to take a "no" and not equate it with rejection. It's a blend of affiliative skills, and the competitive skills which involve asserting or defense skills, and aggressing skills- which are the skills involved in initiating, or moving into new territories, or offense skills. Even the ability to identify what kind of a social situation you're in- whether it be affiliative, defense, offense  (and it can change while you're in the middle of it)- will give you a feeling of control- and that knowledge will reduce your anxiety.   
(Feel free to ask me any questions)

SOCIAL MEDIA AND THE ILLUSION OF HAVING FRIENDS

An excellent program aired on Dr. Oz in September, 2016 that explored the many contacts we have during the day with texting, Facebook, emails, etc. We feel that we are connected, but it does not correlate with reduced loneliness. That's the surprise- the constant social media interactions gives the illusion of being connected- we see the external signs- but our feeling component indicates that we are lonely.  It doesn't jive with what we perceive as having lots of friends thru social media. But trust the feeling component, and since we are social beings, loneliness impacts our health. So, when you think- I don't have the time-even a small conversation on the phone is a step to better health. I think that for people who have no friends, social media is a good first step in reaching out, connecting on common causes, expressing a like, elaboration on what someone says- these are all great first steps if you're isolated. Take it to the next step- get together at a meeting, a lunch, a cup of coffee. It's hard in the beginning, but I'll show you how to reward yourself for taking these health-giving steps.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-mehmet-oz/the-new-loneliness_b_11966516.html

SOCIAL ISOLATION AND YOUR HEALTH

 I'm thrilled to see the growing body of research linking social health with good physical health, and I will work with you on how to garner friendships. It's a process that can be learned. You don't have to be naturally social- you can acquire social skills and enjoy the process. It doesn't have to be torture!  

 http://uncnews.unc.edu/2016/01/04/social-networks-as-important-as-exercise-and-diet-across-the-span-of-our-lives/
University of North Carolina--Chapel Hill researchers show how social relationships reduce health risk in each stage of life.

"Specifically, the team found that the sheer size of a person’s social network was important for health in early and late adulthood. In adolescence, that is, social isolation increased risk of inflammation by the same amount as physical inactivity while social integration protected against abdominal obesity. In old age, social isolation was actually more harmful to health than diabetes on developing and controlling hypertension." 

Why am I so angry?

As mentioned in my last post, irritation is the logical emotional signal that alerts you to the fact that you have some sort of conflict-either with yourself. or someone else. But as I advanced in my training, I realized that although the feeling of irritation is useful as a cue to alert you to conflict, many of us didn't recognize that signal. If you have been trained that you shouldn't get angry- that's not nice- you may experience guilt as a signal of conflict. If you are fight-phobic, you will have a signal of fear. If you have been trained to be unemotional you may recognize no signal at all.

Interestingly, NOT being assertive can lead to the most destructive behaviors of all. It is the hostile person who does destructive things- not the assertive person. So- if you've been taught that you should be nice, and nice people aren't assertive, you'll land up with repressed anger-- and that's where the most destructive behaviors happen.

It's the unassertive, hostile person who lands up seething with resentment, and those infringements pile up and can have a cumulative effect. Gossiping, wishing evil upon that person, ruminating- all are cues of unassertive behavior. Sometimes one then over-reacts. Just the smallest thing can "break the camel's back" - the last straw-and one responds way out of proportion to that single incident. And with that over-reaction then comes guilt- what is wrong with me! And, of course, the other person thinks,what an aggressive crazy person!

ANGER

Another shooting. Is uncontrollable rage always a mental illness issue?

When I was going thru my training I retook again and again Conflict Resolution and Assertiveness/Aggressiveness classes. They were certainly some of my biggest problems. I had defined myself as an "easy-going" person. But the more I grasped the content of these alien courses, I realized I never saw myself being assertive or expressing anger- so I assumed that meant I was good-natured. Not true- all my anger was suppressed which led in my case to depression.
Not many are as lucky as myself to get this training, where I had to learn to recognize my body's signals that I had a conflict that needed attention. I retook those classes so many times, I eventually started co-teaching them. That's how I started. So I passed on my training to as many attendees as possible. As one of the men said, who was attending my class because he was sent by the courts, "Why didn't someone ever teach me about this?"

Although the logical signal that you have a conflict- that someone is doing something that annoys you - is the feeling of slight irritation to extreme anger - I personally felt guilt, (I shouldn't get angry- that's not nice) or fear (I was fearful of someone not approving of me or the potential negative reaction of the other person).  Some of the men in the class got no emotional signals at all- if you have been trained to be unemotional- the manly man- you lose the ability to recognize any signal. Sometimes their signals were physical- stomach problems- or behavioral- drinking- drugging. More about this with my next post...............

Long Walk to Freedom

I just started reading a book entitled Long Walk to Freedom by Nelson Mandela, it's an older book, copyright 1994, with updated 2013 foreward by Bill Clinton. Nelson Mandela was imprisoned for 27 years.  Bill Clinton asks him to describe his long walk from prison to president. He said, "When you're young and strong, you can stay alive on your hatred.  And I did, for many years." Then one day after years of imprisonment, physical and emotional abuse, and separation from his family, Mandela said, "I realized that they could take everything from me except my mind and my heart. They could not take those things. Those things I still had control over.  And I decided not to give them away."

That title encapsulates your journey out of social anxiety and phobias. I hope to provide you with social maps to help you understand social interactions so you'll know what kind of situation you're dealing with. Do you need affiliatve skills or competitive skills; are you hogtied by excessive approval orientation, perfectionism, fearful of the potential negative reaction of the other person.

It's imprisonment- of a different kind. Shyness is imprisonment of self- my goal with these blogs is to to liberate you to enjoy life, people, and the many charms and abilities you inherently possess.

We also need to hear your voice. If the world's values are defined by those who babble the loudest- we are missing the thoughtful, measured responses of the socially reticent- who have great ideas and insights that can benefit our little planet.

THE LONG HOLIDAY WEEKEND

Unscheduled, unstructured time can be brutal for the isolated individual. Some products of this isolation are:

• Overeating
• drinking
• drugs
• ruminating

So get up! Brush your teeth, wash your face, get out, call someone to chat. Move. Do. Something is better than nothing.

Relationships with people have different levels; think of 3 circles- a center-small circle- that's where our intimate friends are- we're lucky if we have 3 or 4; these are the people with whom we are truly ourselves-- warts and all.. Then there is the intermediate circle- our utilitarian friendships- we do things with these people- work out at the gym, work at the office, attend classes with us,  members of clubs we belong to.
Then there's the outside circle- these are people we may never have had a conversation with- we may greet and acknowledge, and that's it. The postal clerk, the grocery clerk, the person we pass while walking,  the bartender, the receptionist; we may greet- do business and leave.

On these long brutal weekends- even that outside circle can get you out of ruminating in your own head. Dialogue with yourself can go on and on- you're gnawing on your own internal processes. Coming out of that is not unlike coming out of a hermit-hole; it's hard to get out. It's hard to get back to interacting - BUT- it will pull you out of that fog.

So- take a shower- go buy something- greet the salesperson- their name tag will be their name- no one will put on a name that's not theirs.  Say, "Hi, Mary" - how are you?" Expand it if you want to- ask something topical: "What did you do for fun this long weekend?" Smile- it's good practice to look disarming.

And PRAISE YOURSELF. FOR THE ATTEMPT- FOR GETTING THERE-
FOR TRYING TO MAKE EYE CONTACT- FOR YOUR 3 WORDS. HONOR THE ATTEMPT.
Next time I'll go into the mathematical error we make:  I stood there and didn't say anything- I'm an idiot- I'm weak- I'm so stupid. I'm just no good- I never will be. Next-HOW TO HIRE A GOOD COACH- YOURSELF.

Avoidance- The Result of Social Anxiety; why is it getting worse?

Social anxiety has a gradient: that is, the closer you get to the dreaded event, the higher the anxiety. For instance, someone says, "Hey! Come to this party we're having in 3 months."

You say, "Okay." As the time grows closer your anxiety increases, and you may land up not going at all. We move into avoidance - whether it be going to that party, going to the gym, expressing an opinion at a meeting, inviting someone to get-together. That's what all the techniques are about: to reduce the punishment enough that you'll give that dreaded event a try. But if you don't know the techniques to decrease the anxiety and just plunge in, you'll accidentally reinforce the punishment. That's how it can get worse.

The adage "practice makes perfect" only works if you are diminishing the punishment, otherwise you're reinforcing the anxiety. One client said, "I'm getting worse as I get older - not better. I thought this would go away with age."

That only happens if you reinforce the attempt and apply all the methodology to take out the punishment of the event. 

WHERE DO I BEGIN?

It is never too late to begin!  
Whether you're 14 or 90, you can relearn healthier ways of living, communicating, thinking and reducing nervousness. You can learn to think, "I have faith in myself.  There are good people out there. No one has the microscope fixed on me and my actions- in the vastness of the universe- how important is this anyway?".  Your physiology will change (the anxiety and adrenaline pumping) as you put  into practice your re-learned body language, conversation skills, assertive skills and aggressing skills.  
When I use assertive and aggressing terminology,  I am referring to your territorial skills- how to defend yourself (asserting) and how to initiate or advance into new territories (aggressing).  In the beginning we lack both defense and offense skills. I like to begin with defense skills; you're more likely to put yourself out there in a new situation, if you know you can protect yourself. It sounds counter-intuitive; that you will take more risks engaging in new situations if you can say "no" in some way.
"No" can be in the form of handling questions that feel intrusive, "no" can be in the form of learning the skills to escape a situation, for example, how to politely withdraw from a conversation when you need time out. It can be in the form of saying "no" to an unwanted invitation, or turning down a request for money or time or your possessions.
It can take the form of protecting your personal space; when someone stands too close to you- the ability to create a distance that feels comfortable to you. 
Again; it is never too late to begin! You can aquire healthy life tools at any age. But you must always honor your attempts. That's where we'll start.

Happy New Year Again! HOW TO REVIVE YOUR 2015 SOCIAL GOALS

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow said "Give what you have to someone else. It may be better than you dare to think."
I am restarting my blog with that quote in mind- to pass on the psychological tools I acquired thru 10 years of training- on how to  shrink shyness, social anxiety and phobias that eliminate any pleasure in social situations. Weak social ties are better than none. Something is better than nothing. 
Let's start again with you observing yourself as a scientist would; in observation of your thoughts, behaviors, body language, talking-- not as a critical, condemning judge- but someone collecting data about you.
For example- how interesting- I see when she walked into that room she looked very aloof and made no eye contact.  She was thinking -I hate being here- what's the use? I am bored to death. She didn't talk to anyone- didn't say hello- goodbye- just walked out. Her heartrate was up, her hands were cold.
For example- he was thinking- that class description kind of intrigues me- but then I'd have to talk to people and there is nothing to talk about in my boring life. He sets the information aside and takes a drink. 
You're a scientist collecting information about the subject:  you.
 

ANXIETY ABOUT AN EMBARRASSING QUESTION?

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            How much money do you make?  How old are you?  Why are you here alone? How come you’re still single?   Why are you so tall? Short? Thin? Fat?  Why don't you have a job?

How come you have pimples? Why are you divorced? How come you’re still living at home?

            When we meet new people, we generally stay at what is called a breadth of self-disclosure rather than a depth of self-disclosure. We don’t tell people we don’t trust our deep, dark secrets.  People can ask whatever they want to- but it is your right to grant or not grant that information.  What will grant you social comfort is knowing ahead of time that a question will not force you to a level of self-disclosure that the relationship doesn’t merit.

            First, be prepared.  Have a response memorized in those areas that you feel

 vulnerable.  Memorize it and practice it, because when it occurs in real-time, your adrenaline spikes, and that impairs your memory.

            So, for example- “Why did you guys break up?”  Answer: Who understands the complexity of human relationships?,”  versus “He/she was emotionally abusive”.

“Why are you so thin?” “Well some people are inclined to put on weight, I’m just the opposite”, versus, “I have an eating disorder.”

          Homework:  Practice some responses. In the next blog you will learn about the structure of small talk so you can throw a question back and get the spotlight off yourself. This will allow you to take a deep breath, and restore your thinking.

           

           

           

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2014!

January 2014

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There is a hopeful feeling in beginning afresh, and a new year allows that opportunity. So, Happy New Year, take a deep breath, close your eyes, and envision- with idealistic vision- the dream of where you would like to be a year from now. Abandon critiquing whether it’s realistic at this point- go with joy and optimism! What’s the fantasy?  What is my ideal life?

For example, a  year from now, I will have a wonderful job; I will have a friend to walk with, go to lunch with, share deep feelings with;  I am dating once a month, I go to an exercise class, I belong to a job hunting group, I am taking classes, I have a social support network of 20 people! I will go out on a date once a month. I will walk one mile a day and say hello or wave to everyone I meet along the way.

 
I will be struggling along with you with my own fear-ridden goals; mine relate to potential conflict and hostility. I can guarantee if you follow along as a fellow or sister scientist, that a year from now, you will have reached some of your goals.  I promise you!   We will brainstorm together where you are stuck. 

I taught for 10 years in the first education model in psychiatry in the United States. It was based on the premise that people are not trapped by their genes, their personality traits, the way things have always been. People can change how they think, how they behave, how they feel, how they communicate—if they are educated in the proven scientific methods that make it possible.

So--- HAPPY NEW YEAR AND LET’S DREAM ABOUT OUR WONDERFUL YEAR!

INTROVERTS AND EXTROVERTS

4-29-2012

The new book QUIET; The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain may be a welcomed book by many of the working introverts. It honors the tendency toward solitary activity, quiet reflection and reserve, not as a  "second-class Personality trait, somewhere between a disappointment and a pathology," Cain writes, as reported by Judith Warner, The New York Times Book Review, Sunday Feb.12, 2012. I'm glad that this will help some people, who perceive themselves as introverts, to honor the many qualities they bring to relationships and work. 
I don't think extrovert-ism and introvert-ism are mutually exclusive.What I hope in my work is to give people the freedom to be either.- sometimes extroverted, sometimes introverted.  Neither trait is enjoyable if you're there by default.  Although I mostly work on helping the involuntarily introverted, I have also had clients who were involuntarily extroverted.  It is rarely recognized as shyness. We usually think of shyness as an involuntary quietness. I remember students asking, "What's he doing in the class?  He talks all the time!" 

My interest is in either trait where one is there by default. I believe most people in our culture are introverts because of shyness; our culture supports my view. We are quite competitive, achievement oriented- , which doesn't encourage risk-taking by the cautious. If we perceive others as the enemy, our competitors for self- value, verbal risk-taking can become an assault to one's one's self-esteem.
I have an interest in getting the more quiet of us to speak out more!  Otherwise we have our decisions made by those who have been trained to be more aggressive - either by trait or environment. That's a poor balance of decision making in my opinion.

"Power of Shyness", Time Magazine 2/6/2012

In a front page article on shyness, author Bryan Walsh describes the difference between introverts and extroverts, and the unrecognized value of introverts in the workplace and as corporate leaders.

You may find this article gives you some valuable insight into yourself.

My assertion is that an introvert can learn to enjoy more social gatherings. There's nothing wrong with the desire for solitude, to enjoy solitary activities. But I think it's even more enjoyable when it's not a default choice. If it's so uncomfortable and punishing to be around people, and such a relief to be alone, one defaults toward solitude. Why go through all that punishment for such little reward?

Learning the skills- and I had to develop a map when I was teaching classes on shyness because I wasn't any better than anyone else- reduced anxiety and self-consciousness. As we tried the "maps", we learned there were underlying structures, so it didn't seem like everyone else knew the rules of the road except us. There were social frameworks that helped one relax and have a little fun among the human species.

That made solitude even more enjoyable because one had a choice to be alone, not an anxiety decision, because of the stress in going to social gatherings.

The King's Speech

The Australian "speech defect" therapist, Lionel Logue, who developed a friendship with the stuttering King George VI used methodologies extremely useful for shyness and social nervousness applicable in today's world.

Notice how he practiced breathing deeply? Taking a deep breath is important for shyness. It wasn't the only strategy used, but you will eventually be helped by this relaxation exercise. It will not relax you in the beginning, but it will work as a cue to kick in other useful techniques. Also, the more nervous you are, the more likely you're taking shallow, panting breaths.

Did you see how the King's speech was written out? As a shyness coach, I observe that because of the conditional value of perfectionism - (I only have value if I am perfect)- clients won't use notes when giving a speech because they believe they should be able to ad lib. That's an unfair expectation.

An encouraging note: although King George's speech impediment could be traced to poor child-rearing practices tantamount to abuse, I rarely find this with clients who are shy. More on this with the next post.

Happy New Year!

It's fun to have a fresh start and begin again, isn't it. Ask me any questions you'd like- I taught classes in personal development at the University of Washington in the Dept. of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences- and I love brainstorming with you. I taught Overcoming Shyness and Social Skills classes, Assertiveness Training, Conflict Resolution, Understanding Human Territorial Behavior, Stress Management and Relaxation Training, and many other courses.

I am particularly interested in lonliness and social isolation because of their health consequences; we're social beings with social brains, and we don't do well health-wise when we are alone too much. There's a difference between voluntary "I want some time alone" and being alone by default, which means it's too much pressure and stress to be with people. The health effect associated with isolation is statistically large and dramatic. Individuals "with the highest baseline scores for loneliness were also the ones most likely to be admitted to a nursing home" in later life.(Loneliness; Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection, by John T. Cacioppo & William Patrick)

Good for you for starting to think about this! If I can go out and socialize wearing an industrial respirator (I have acute allergies to perfumes, etc.), I can help you get started. I have been socially phobic in my past; I'm not anymore, and I'd rather have acute allergies than to suffer the anguish of social terror--if that gives you some idea of hard it is to live with the handicap of severe shyness. And- it is not permanent. Ask me any questions you'd like. Happy 2011!

I am a college student who will be attending a new course in a few weeks.

The thing is, we're gonna have this compulsory thing called "orientation week" which will consist of nightly themed dinner parties, and other socially-oriented "fun and games" sessions.

I am scared to death about this, because I simply... cannot mingle, cannot interact with others, especially in these supposedly "fun, light-hearted" situations. Past social experience has shown me to always be that quiet, lone guy who ends up observing people all mingling together, laughing, conversing, dancing, etc.

Frankly, it all seems so wondrous to me how people can "get on" so well with others.... "mingle" so smoothly.

This probably has to do with me having no social skills at all rather than "social anxiety" per se but please someone help me!

Hello- great question! Before I left the city because of a health problem I taught University courses on Shyness and Affiliation Training, so here are a few ideas I hope will be helpful.
You're not going to war. This is an event with the goal of getting acquainted. When you're frightened, the tendency is to try to look in control, a sort of business body language.But this scares others, and if they can't relax either, your ability to talk to them will be even more difficult.
You instead want to try a mnemonic device called SOFTEN.

1. S -Smile. Practice this in front of a mirror, so you memorize the muscle position for the look of friendliness.
2. O- Open body language. If you were a military person standing at attention you can imagine how that would not work in a situation that is focusing on helping students get acquainted. Instead, put your weight on one foot, angle yourself a bit, put one hand in a pocket, to soften your appearance.
3. F Forward lean. Sometimes when we're anxious we pull ourselves back ward. Just lean forward a little bit.
4. E Eye Contact. Look at them - if it's too hard to look in the eyes- just look at the eye lids- glance down once in a while at your prop. Your beverage. It gives you chance to rest your eyes. Think the thought- "this is just for practice. I'll get better as I go along.
5. N Nod. Nodding just says I'm listening- I'm agreeable.
   

Be ready for those beginning questions that people always ask- your name, where you're from, what classes you're taking -in other words your relationship to this particular event. It's a great way to practice starting a conversation, "Hi- I'm John, I'm a first year student here. Almost any social function starts with your relationship to this particular setting. "Hi- I'm a friend of Mary's she and I work together." , etc. etc.

Good luck! Joan