ANXIETY ABOUT AN EMBARRASSING QUESTION?

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            How much money do you make?  How old are you?  Why are you here alone? How come you’re still single?   Why are you so tall? Short? Thin? Fat?  Why don't you have a job?

How come you have pimples? Why are you divorced? How come you’re still living at home?

            When we meet new people, we generally stay at what is called a breadth of self-disclosure rather than a depth of self-disclosure. We don’t tell people we don’t trust our deep, dark secrets.  People can ask whatever they want to- but it is your right to grant or not grant that information.  What will grant you social comfort is knowing ahead of time that a question will not force you to a level of self-disclosure that the relationship doesn’t merit.

            First, be prepared.  Have a response memorized in those areas that you feel

 vulnerable.  Memorize it and practice it, because when it occurs in real-time, your adrenaline spikes, and that impairs your memory.

            So, for example- “Why did you guys break up?”  Answer: Who understands the complexity of human relationships?,”  versus “He/she was emotionally abusive”.

“Why are you so thin?” “Well some people are inclined to put on weight, I’m just the opposite”, versus, “I have an eating disorder.”

          Homework:  Practice some responses. In the next blog you will learn about the structure of small talk so you can throw a question back and get the spotlight off yourself. This will allow you to take a deep breath, and restore your thinking.

           

           

           

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2014!

January 2014

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There is a hopeful feeling in beginning afresh, and a new year allows that opportunity. So, Happy New Year, take a deep breath, close your eyes, and envision- with idealistic vision- the dream of where you would like to be a year from now. Abandon critiquing whether it’s realistic at this point- go with joy and optimism! What’s the fantasy?  What is my ideal life?

For example, a  year from now, I will have a wonderful job; I will have a friend to walk with, go to lunch with, share deep feelings with;  I am dating once a month, I go to an exercise class, I belong to a job hunting group, I am taking classes, I have a social support network of 20 people! I will go out on a date once a month. I will walk one mile a day and say hello or wave to everyone I meet along the way.

 
I will be struggling along with you with my own fear-ridden goals; mine relate to potential conflict and hostility. I can guarantee if you follow along as a fellow or sister scientist, that a year from now, you will have reached some of your goals.  I promise you!   We will brainstorm together where you are stuck. 

I taught for 10 years in the first education model in psychiatry in the United States. It was based on the premise that people are not trapped by their genes, their personality traits, the way things have always been. People can change how they think, how they behave, how they feel, how they communicate—if they are educated in the proven scientific methods that make it possible.

So--- HAPPY NEW YEAR AND LET’S DREAM ABOUT OUR WONDERFUL YEAR!