As mentioned in my last post, irritation is the logical emotional signal that alerts you to the fact that you have some sort of conflict-either with yourself. or someone else. But as I advanced in my training, I realized that although the feeling of irritation is useful as a cue to alert you to conflict, many of us didn't recognize that signal. If you have been trained that you shouldn't get angry- that's not nice- you may experience guilt as a signal of conflict. If you are fight-phobic, you will have a signal of fear. If you have been trained to be unemotional you may recognize no signal at all.
Interestingly, NOT being assertive can lead to the most destructive behaviors of all. It is the hostile person who does destructive things- not the assertive person. So- if you've been taught that you should be nice, and nice people aren't assertive, you'll land up with repressed anger-- and that's where the most destructive behaviors happen.
It's the unassertive, hostile person who lands up seething with resentment, and those infringements pile up and can have a cumulative effect. Gossiping, wishing evil upon that person, ruminating- all are cues of unassertive behavior. Sometimes one then over-reacts. Just the smallest thing can "break the camel's back" - the last straw-and one responds way out of proportion to that single incident. And with that over-reaction then comes guilt- what is wrong with me! And, of course, the other person thinks,what an aggressive crazy person!
Friday, October 23, 2015
Friday, October 2, 2015
ANGER
Another shooting. Is uncontrollable rage always a mental illness issue?
When I was going thru my training I retook again and again Conflict Resolution and Assertiveness/Aggressiveness classes. They were certainly some of my biggest problems. I had defined myself as an "easy-going" person. But the more I grasped the content of these alien courses, I realized I never saw myself being assertive or expressing anger- so I assumed that meant I was good-natured. Not true- all my anger was suppressed which led in my case to depression.
Not many are as lucky as myself to get this training, where I had to learn to recognize my body's signals that I had a conflict that needed attention. I retook those classes so many times, I eventually started co-teaching them. That's how I started. So I passed on my training to as many attendees as possible. As one of the men said, who was attending my class because he was sent by the courts, "Why didn't someone ever teach me about this?"
Although the logical signal that you have a conflict- that someone is doing something that annoys you - is the feeling of slight irritation to extreme anger - I personally felt guilt, (I shouldn't get angry- that's not nice) or fear (I was fearful of someone not approving of me or the potential negative reaction of the other person). Some of the men in the class got no emotional signals at all- if you have been trained to be unemotional- the manly man- you lose the ability to recognize any signal. Sometimes their signals were physical- stomach problems- or behavioral- drinking- drugging. More about this with my next post...............
When I was going thru my training I retook again and again Conflict Resolution and Assertiveness/Aggressiveness classes. They were certainly some of my biggest problems. I had defined myself as an "easy-going" person. But the more I grasped the content of these alien courses, I realized I never saw myself being assertive or expressing anger- so I assumed that meant I was good-natured. Not true- all my anger was suppressed which led in my case to depression.
Not many are as lucky as myself to get this training, where I had to learn to recognize my body's signals that I had a conflict that needed attention. I retook those classes so many times, I eventually started co-teaching them. That's how I started. So I passed on my training to as many attendees as possible. As one of the men said, who was attending my class because he was sent by the courts, "Why didn't someone ever teach me about this?"
Although the logical signal that you have a conflict- that someone is doing something that annoys you - is the feeling of slight irritation to extreme anger - I personally felt guilt, (I shouldn't get angry- that's not nice) or fear (I was fearful of someone not approving of me or the potential negative reaction of the other person). Some of the men in the class got no emotional signals at all- if you have been trained to be unemotional- the manly man- you lose the ability to recognize any signal. Sometimes their signals were physical- stomach problems- or behavioral- drinking- drugging. More about this with my next post...............
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